


Actual Damsels in Distress

by mandysimo13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Fairies, Hiking, M/M, Pixies, Sass Masters, he speaks for the trees, loopy hunters, mild frustration, nature hike!, sassy winchesters, the Lorax - Freeform, woods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 11:01:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2386001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandysimo13/pseuds/mandysimo13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean go to investigate a nature preserve that is seeing some unusual Fae activity. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Actual Damsels in Distress

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a prompt from a blog on tumblr called Writeworld. 
> 
> http://writeworld.tumblr.com/post/97388881889/writers-block-a-picture-says-a-thousand-words
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

The wheels of the Impala crunched the gravel below as Dean pulled into a small, and otherwise deserted, parking lot. The gravel and dirt lot was attached to a large forest preserve like so many that dotted the country; appearing on the side of the road with no preamble and easily forgotten, no visitors other than locals who already knew of its existence. This particular edge of the preserve had seen some interesting Fae activity recently that resulted in the tormenting and temporary disappearance of no less than ten local hikers. They were always found three days after their disappearance at the mouth of a covered bridge with strange, but non-fatal, injuries with no recollection of how they got them or where they were.

Dean slid into a spot, parked and slid on his sunglasses. “You ready for another day of supernatural ass kicking?”

Sam snorted. “Ready as I’ll ever be without coffee. You couldn’t have pulled off at the Starbucks that we passed, could you?”

Dean stepped out of his Baby and slammed the door in his brother’s face. “You don’t need that hoity-toity swill, Sammy. When we’re done here we’ll hit a nice Denny’s for some good, all American, black as sin coffee.” Sam pulled a grimace at the thought, donned his own sunglasses and followed Dean out.

The two men did their cursory once over of the parking lot before moving to the trunk to acquire some essentials for their morning hike. After popping the fake bottom up they raided their stash taking only the essentials, not wanting to carry too much, unsure of their destination; pistols, salt, small bottles of holy water (never know when a demon might be behind these shenanigans) and a couple iron bracelets each for good measure. At the last second Sam ducked back into the cab of the Impala to snag a water bottle for each of them and a couple granola bars.

With everything stowed where it belonged and Baby locked up nice and tight the two set off towards the entrance of the woods. The path on which they walked wasn’t heavily trafficked but traveled often enough that grooves were worn into the earth and it was easily traversed. The trees above curved in on them creating a pleasantly shady passageway into the preserve. After about ten minutes of walking they came to the bridge that would take them deeper into the preserve and, hopefully, right into the path of the Fae that was setting up shop there.

“You know, Sammy. Our jobs don’t usually come with a warning label.”

Dean was of course referring to the words painted on the top of the bridge: _Enter this wild wood and view the haunts of nature._

“Hmm,” Sam hummed in agreement as he took the lead onto the bridge.

The bridge was solidly built, hardly a creak or groan during their passing, the water of the creek below a soft whisper. They checked all the obvious nooks and crannies on the bridge for any lurking Fae before passing onto the other side.

“Cas still mad at you for rushing out to do jobs again?”

Dean pursed his lips in annoyance. “You still stickin’ your big, snooping moose nose in my business?”

Sam chuckled and replied, “I don’t think it counts as snooping if half the neighborhood can hear you two going at it. God, it’s like an episode of Cops.”

“Hey, hey,” Dean snapped. “We’re much classier than those idiots on Cops. We wear clean underwear every day and don’t spit tobacco into a rusty tin can.”

“Oh yeah,” Sam smirked. “Real classy. Model of class _sonofabitch!_ ”

Sam’s ankle bent at an awkward angle as the earth swallowed it and then the rest of him all the way up to his thigh.

“Sammie!”

Dean rushed to help pull his brother from the ground hole hoping it wasn’t ground wasps or something stupid like that. But when he tugged Sam’s leg wouldn’t come loose. “You’re not eating enough rabbit food baby bro. Your monster moose thigh’s stuck.”

“Moose thighs,” Sam snapped back. “Says the guy who can eat four cheese burgers in one sitting!”

Dean tugged on Sam’s torso while Sam tugged at his leg. “Yeah that’s right, four cheeseburgers in one sitting and I’m not the one who got their fat leg stuck in a hole in the ground.” Right then Sam shrieked and tugged more frantically. “What’s going on Sam?”

“Something just brushed my leg!”

“This isn’t Jaws,” Dean groaned. “It’s probably just a mole or something.”

“Or a freaking snake! What kind of venomous snakes live around here anyway?”

“I think the Giganticus Wussicus is native to these parts,” Dean huffed. With one last great heave and tug they wrenched Sam’s leg free of the hole; Only to discover that what Sam stepped in wasn’t a hive of ground wasps or a snakes den. It was a pixie nest. One little pixie, purple and bloated with beady eyes peeked from the top of the whole then squeaked something into the hole below. Next thing they knew the pixies shot out of the hole with gusto and made a beeline for the two stupefied brothers. Screaming like little girls they turned tail and ran back towards the bridge, hoping to outrun them and regroup with better supplies later.

“Pixies! Had to be pixies! Couldn’t have been a stupid snake,” Dean shouted as they fled.

“Oh thanks a lot, Dean!”

“What’re you griping about? You’re the cause of all this nonsense! You are your giant clodhoppers!”

“Just shut up and keep running!”

They almost made it to the bridge when the swarm caught up with them. The hundreds of pixies, no bigger than a robin, surrounded them with their little hands gripping their clothes and hair. Though most of their body was apparently fair game, the pixies stayed clear of the iron bracelets the brothers wore. The myth that Fae couldn’t touch iron apparently true after one of the pixies was unfortunate enough to touch one of Dean’s bracelets and it’s skin immediately sizzled and the pixie flew off into the cloud of creatures, hissing it’s displeasure. Unbelievably, despite their hearty attempt at swatting the little buggers off, the pixies carried off their prizes in a cloud of squeaking and screaming.

An indeterminable amount of time later and they were dumped unceremoniously in the middle of a copse of trees. The brothers panted and checked their pockets and saw they had lost their guns in the flight and all the had left was a single granola bar and the bracelets and the clothes on their back. Definitely not ideal for taking out a massive hive of pixies.

The creatures that brought them to the clearing were now all quiet and had perched themselves in the branches of the trees watching the brothers below. After a few moments of silence Dean shouted up into the canopy, “What’dya want with us, huh?”

The pixies remained uncooperatively silent.

With an indignant huff Dean tugged at his flannel and turned to Sam. “So. Did any of the water make it?”

Sam’s eyes resembled that of a puppy who piddled on the floor and offered Dean a crumpled granola bar to half apologize for the lack of water. Dean snatched it from his brother’s fingers and sat cross-legged on the ground. He tore the package open and offered half to Sam who joined him on the ground.

“So,” Sam said around the granola rolling around in his mouth, “What now?”

“Beats me. I think they’re waiting for something. Maybe we should wait this out.”

“Waiting for what?”

“I dunno, Sammie. Their big purple pixie king?”

Silence resumed and the two just sat conserving their energy; observing.

After hours of silence and no developments Dean tested their boundaries. He walked to edge of the copse and was hustled back to the center by pixies. This happened no matter where he tried to breach and eventually he gave up and sat back down next to Sam.

As night was falling Sam gave an exasperated sigh and growled, “Why don’t you just call for your stupid boyfriend to come and help us out? Maybe he knows something in Enochian that might get them to let us go.”

“No way,” Dean hissed back. “No way. I refuse to give him the satisfaction.”

“What satisfaction? The satisfaction of saving our sorry butts?”

Dean pouted and grunted a reluctant yes. “He thinks I’m a squishy human who needs protecting.” Dean fiddled with the iron bracelet on his right arm. “I’ve been hunting things since forever. I’m no damsel in distress.”

Sam just rolled his eyes and laid stretched out on his back, arms behind his head.

Once night fell and they were shrouded in darkness two pixies came floating above their heads carrying a large leaf full of berries and a clay bowl full of water. They swooped in quickly, just long enough to drop their offerings, before taking off again nearly escaping a severe swatting from Dean.

“They’re feeding us now,” Dean asked, thoroughly confused.

Sam didn’t move from his stretched out pose on the ground, eyes closed. “Don’t eat anything.”

“Why?”

“It’s Fairy food, Dean.” As if that explained everything.

“So? Is it full of glitter? Am I gonna sprout wings?”

Sam sniffed in annoyance and turned his head to eye his brother. “No, Dean. You won’t sprout wings. Fairy food affects humans by making them loopy. They enter a dreamlike state and lose all track of time. And they become highly suggestible.”

Dean nodded, not really believing Sam’s mumbo jumbo, and examined a berry. Looked like an ordinary blueberry. He sniffed it and it smelled like a normal berry. He put the berry back and asked, “So do you think that might be the cause of our befuddled hikers? The pixies got them, fed them and then they can’t remember anything about what happened or where they had been.”

“Seems likely.”

Dean nodded again and sniffed the water. God he was thirsty. One little sip couldn’t hurt could it? He tipped the clay bowl to his lips and sipped. The flavor exploded on his tongue. Like sunshine, happiness, and rain. So clear and cool; soothing.

“Dean!” Sam smacked the bowl out of his hands and sent the bowl rushing to the ground, smashing on impact. “I told you! Don’t eat anything!” Dean just giggled to himself and he sat back, hugging his ribs.

“But Sammy,” he said between gasps. “I didn’t eat anything. I just drank a little water. You should’ve had some.” His face was totally blissed out, eyes glassy. “It was delicious.”

“Ugh,” Sam groaned. Then he thought back to what he had told Dean about Fairy food making you suggestible. He took him by the shoulders and shook him. “Quick Dean! Call Cas!”

Dean curled his lips inward to suppress a smile, albeit badly, before shaking his head. “Nope!”

“Why not?”

“Don’t want mister Sour Wings harshing my buzz.”

 _Damn,_ Sam thought. _Must not have been enough to make him lose his pigheaded pride._

And then Sam had an idea. “Hey, Dean.”

“Yeah, Sammie?”

“Maybe you should eat some berries.”

“But you said-”

“I know what I said but,” Sam faltered searching for a reason Dean couldn’t refuse. “Hey, I bet those taste like pie.”

“Pie.” Dean’s eyes seemed to glass over more, if that was even possible, before shoveling a handful of berries in his mouth, smearing juice all over his face. A groan of pleasure rippled through him and his eyes rolled in the back of his head. “Oh Sammie.” He licked his lips. “You gotta try some of these. Just like pie!”

“No thanks Dean,” Sam held up his hands to ward off his brother’s hand that had refilled itself of berries. “You know what I do want though?” He eyed him with frustration. “Call Cas.”

“No.”

“Augh!”

Sam threw his hands up in the air and fell onto his back in the dirt trying to think of a way out of this mess. He had just closed his eyes to try to think better when suddenly his face was assaulted with berries.

“Seriously Sam,” Dean giggled as he shoved berries into Sam’s surprised, gaping maw. “They’re so good!” Sam struggled to push Dean off him and in the process swallowed a mouthful of berries. He shoved his brother off him and rolled onto his side trying to spit the berries out but it was no use. He was already starting to feel giddy. _Why was he spitting the berries out again? They were so good!_

“You’re right, Dean. Can I have some more?”

“No! You had what I wanted to share.” Dean scooped the rest of the berries up and held them out of Sam’s reach. Sam dove on top of him to try and reach the berries, wrestling for the sweet, juicy things.

“Dean! Come on!”

Dean lost his grip on the berries and they scattered everywhere. The two men scrabbled to scoop as many of them up as possible, shoving them in their mouths greedily. When they were all gone they settled down, still giggling but content despite the fact the precious berries were gone.

Out of nowhere they heard a soothing voice from the trees calling to them. “Winchesters.”

They perked their heads up, some sense of self preservation clinging. “God,” Dean asked in a whisper.

A low chuckle responded. “No silly boys. Not God. I’m the Lorax and I speak for the trees.”

“The Lorax,” Sam sputtered. “It’s that a Dr. Suess-”

“No,” the voice cut in. “Dr. Suess stole my likeness. I am the real Lorax.”

“What do the trees want Lorax,” Dean asked with genuine interest.

“The trees want you boys to sleep. It’s way past your bedtime you know.” Sam and Dean nodded their agreement and laid down curled up next to each other and promptly fell asleep. When they were soundly snoring peacefully the voice from the trees laughed softly and muttered “Idiots” before ordering the pixies to fly down and begin their fun.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

The two hunters awoke, side by side, with the sun shining on their faces through the leaves.

“What the hell,” Dean said to himself as he tried to move his arms and roll over. No matter how hard the two men tried to tug free of their hempen bonds they were effectively immobile. “You gotta be freakin’ kidding me!”

“It’s like Gulliver’s Travels,” Sam offered as he settled back into the ground, trying to think up an escape plan.

“Who the hell was Gulliver?”

“Oh my God, Dean! Pick up a book!”

“Boys, boys.” A voice from the trees drifted down silencing them at once. “No need to get feisty.”

Dean at once recognized the voice and rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Are you fuckin’ with me?”

The voice chuckled and stepped out of the shadowy cover of the trees and into full view of the hunters. “Well, I hadn’t planned on it since you’re not usually one for my type. Except of course, for one very special relative of mine.”

“What do you want Gabriel,” Sam asked as he locked eyes onto the Angel who had vexed them several times before in the guise of a trickster god.

“Just a little fun.” He circled the men strapped to the ground, eyes shifting between the two. “You know, much like Heaven, the Seelie and Unseelie courts are in a bit of an uproar right now. There’s a Fae war going on. So sad.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “What’s that got to do with us, Gabriel?”

Gabriel squatted and stroked the boys’ heads, smoothing their hair. “Directly? Not a thing. Indirectly? Well.” He smiled and stood. “You boys found yourself in the middle of my new kingdom. These poor pixies, they’re lost without a leader and they have no taste for war. So you know me, big helper I am-”

“Oh yeah! Big help!” Dean struggled against his bonds, teeth barred.

“Hush,” Gabriel scolded. “As I was saying. Big helper I am I decided to rule over the pixies while the whole nasty business of Fae war was over and show them a little fun.”

“Like disappearing hikers and torturing them,” Sam offered?

“Never torture. Just having a little fun is all.” He circled around to Sam and stopped, hand on his chin in mock-thought. “You know what would be really fun, Sam? Is counting how many hairs you have in that lofty mane of yours.” Gabriel snapped his fingers and two pixies appeared from nowhere and hovered above Sam’s head. Without warning they reached out and each snatched a hair from Sam’s head.

“Ow! What the hell!”

“I think this is going to be real fun, don’tcha think, Dean?”

“Leave my brother alone! And let us go!”

“Or what? You gonna call my brother to chastise me?”

“So what if I do?”

“Well then Sammie retains his hairs, I find some new fun and you’ll have proven to my brother you really are a damsel in distress and that would be an even bigger chuckle to me than anything else I could think of.”

“Ow! Dean, call Cas!”

Dean growled in frustration and knocked the back of his head into the ground.

“Careful there,” Gabriel said through smiling teeth. “Wouldn’t want you to sacrifice anymore brain cells than necessary.” Sam punctuated Gabriel’s statement with another frustrated utterance of mild pain and tried to bite one of the pixies that hovered near to his mouth. “Ooh,” Gabriel chuckled at the display of teeth. “Didn’t know you were so bitey. Maybe we should muzzle that maw of yours.” He pointed a finger at Sam’s mouth and it instantly slammed shut, closing off any reply Sam might have made. Instead just a muffled groan of pain accompanied another plucking of hair.

Sam turned to face his brother and if looks could kill Dean would be toast. No doubt about it. Some very angry grunting and another pained grunt had Dean feeling suitably guilty and he relented. “Cas!”

“Well it’s about time you called.”

Cas floated from the treetops, graceful as ever. “Was thinking you were going to let him pluck every hair off Sam’s head just to spite me.”

“You’ve been here this whole time?” Dean was inordinately angry at the realization.

“Course I have. I followed you.”

“You followed us?”

“Oh that is just precious,” Gabriel interjected.

“Shut up,” the angel and human shouted in tandem.

“Cas. Why did you follow us?”

“Because you obviously have gotten sloppy with your little ‘jobs’ and I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Then why did you let it go on for so long?”

Cas smiled and sat crosslegged on the ground at Dean’s side. “Because I wanted to see how long it would take you to cave and admit you want me to come with you on jobs. Because you need me Dean. Say it.”

Dean pouted in indignation. “No.” He continued to pout sulkily for a heartbeat until Sam grunted again and muffly muttered something behind his sealed lips that carried the unspoken threat of _if you don’t say it I’ll make sure you never touch another pie in your life._ Reluctantly Dean sighed and whined, “Fine. Yeah.”

“Yes what, Dean?”

“Yes Cas. I need you. I want you to come on jobs with us. Now would you please help us and get Gabriel to let us go?”

“Gladly.” Cas stood and eyed his brother. “Gabriel, you know you have better uses for your time.”

“Oh,” Gabriel whined. “But this is so much more fun!”

“Gabriel,” Cas warned.

“Oh fine. I’ll let them go. And I’ll get the pixies back to the Seelie court where they’re supposed to be.”

“Thank you,” Cas said with a smile tugging his lips.

“Well boys,” Gabriel said to the hunters. “It’s been fun. Until next time.” He pointed his fingers at Sam’s lips, allowing them to open, before snapping his fingers and disappearing. The remaining pixies took off without further prompting. The two hunters and the angel were left alone.

Cas worked on untying their bonds. “So how many hairs were liberated from your head?”

“Twelve. And I feel every one of them.”

“Could’ve been worse.”

In no time the hunters were released and they began walking in the direction of the Impala. Sam strode on ahead, rubbing his head and muttering to himself, leaving Dean and Cas walking side by side.

“Thanks,” Dean huffed, still embarrassed that he had to call for backup.

“I always come when you call, Dean,” Cas replied. “It would just cut down on travel time if you were to just let me accompany you.”

“I already said it was okay, Cas.” Cas looked into Dean’s eyes, nodded and kept on walking. As they walked their fingers brushed and eventually Cas took Dean’s fingers in his own, weaving them together. When Dean’s eyebrow twitched in questioning Cas just smiled and said, “Just keeping you close. Can’t have you running off into danger. Wouldn’t want you to be more distressed than usual.”

Dean’s mouth hung open in shock. “Was that a damsel in distress joke?”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Dean just grabbed Cas’s tie and pulled him close to seal his lips over the angel’s, effectively cutting off any response. After a full minute of kissing the sound of Sam clearing his voice startled them apart.

“Come on guys. I’m tired, sore, hungry and very badly in need of coffee. You guys can finish your making up in the car after you drop me off at the Starbucks.” Dean opened his mouth to complain when Sam clapped his hand over it, “No bitching about Starbucks, Dean. I fucking earned my ‘hippie coffee’,” the phrase completed with air quotes. “Now lets go. We’re losing daylight.”

Sam stalked off ahead and Dean pouted at Cas. “When did he become the one in charge?”


End file.
